Pilgrim's Heart

      

    This is what i described about my heart today. Part of it is never home. There is always stretching and yearning to be home but I know that I am not yet arrived. I am actually now in a journey. For quite sometime, I never acknowledged that I am in a journey, I was trapped by false places that was never my home. Yet, God's grace shown me something to focus with and to believe that I am now in a journey far away from Home.

     In my journey home,  I was able to recognize whose friends were true and bogus in my winging homeward. It is in my journey of my spirituality that made my road like markers to say Hello to some and goodbye to some by passers. Funny it is, I could still smile at them and even embrace them with the goodbyes in my heart. It makes a little easier to do so because I go through the pain of acceptance that creates experiences of more hope groaning and yearning in a natural way.

     The journey inside my heart is actually a mystery and a challenge because traveling inward is so different, I can only see my path in the eyes of my faith. And the shallow my faith becomes the vague and darker my way be.

     I am excited to further see myself of what I can be and to discover what I am capable of. Like exploring a mountain trail that one has never been before, there would be huffing and puffing and a pause to take another path or to turn around and go back. But, I will stand still. I know i am not alone in my journey. Someone out there is praying for me, loving me and looking at that vast mountain where I am standing. Hoping and excited to see me around.

    Nowadays, My heart is actually filled with many trails either too ordinary or too hard or too long to continue. But I know beyond that edge and just when I go around the next bend and up to the hill. There lies a magnificent vista of beauty marking my heart, I am home. 

   Hoping to see you around there... God bless.

   Mhatteo

Galilee

   

    You might be wondering what Galilee is all about. For many who knows the bible it is an important place of Jesus. It is a place in Israel. A significant place where He made many significant miracles...and true enough, i have my own Galilee experience of Christ in me. Miracles I claimed His.

     Most of my pains and sufferings were brought about by my wrong choices. It is in those times where I discovered the tremendous deadness of my spirit. But God has a way of changing people. From my wickedness He changed me. He broke me into pieces so I could one by one pick up my shattered pieces and learned deeply of life's choices. 

     

     "To Galilee" Mk 16:7, a direction where I am going.  The Galilee of my life where I am risen from my nightmares and wickedness. The Galilee where I am risen from my addictions. The Galilee where my strength is aroused, where their is clarity of my purpose, where my direction is more refine and where the sense of compassion to others deepens.

    

     I pray that the Lord will lead me to people who will journey with me in the Galilee's of my life, where I get to be guided by bright lights in my path notwithstanding all my flaws of my past and my strengths combined.

     May you also walk with a Galilee experience with Him. Join me.  :)

Mhatteo

My Own Resurrection

Happy Easter! 

    Though i am away from home during the holy week. I was able to take time reflecting and observing it through the place i went surrounded by mountains and trees. It made me realized and thankful and greatly amazed how His resurrection takes place in me and how He actually died for my sins and resurrected for my living.

    You might think I am tremendously superficial but indeed, I have my own resurrection experience with the risen Christ in me. I experienced God's resurrection in so many ways:

     - Every time i confessed my sins, and asked forgiveness, i resurrected.

     - When depression came into my life last few months and someone shows         encouragement and hope to me, i resurrected.

     - When my approval addiction was killing me madly and i decided to detach myself away from my tendencies, i resurrected.

     - When tears fall down my eyes because of loneliness, and seeing smiles from a stranger or my pamangkin, i resurrected.

     - When my mind was bombarded by worries and anxieties and suddenly a soulful   music filled my heart with peace, i resurrected.

    - When i am about to give up because of habitual sins, then an honest sharing came in from a stranger or a friend that inspired me, i resurrected.

    - Every time i understand people and accept them, i resurrected.

    - When i start valuing myself and loving myself, i resurrected.

    - When am about to lose my finances, then unexpected financial blessing came in, i resurrected.

    - When i was able to help someone who needs help, i resurrected.

    - When i stop listening to gossips and trying to think good things about people, i resurrected.

    - When i treated people lovingly despite and in spite of hurts and disappointments, i resurrected.

    - When i sing beautiful songs or even songs i feel don't like singing but because i know it touches people and inspires them, i resurrected.

   - When fears blinded me from the truth, yet, i stepped up bravely for the truth, i resurrected.

   - Every time i hug my parents, i resurrected.

   - Every time i smile, i resurrected.

   - Every time i worked hard and work honestly for my living, i resurrected.

   - Every time i write good blogs, i resurrected.

   - And every time, i pray not just for me but for others and thank God for everything, i resurrected.

My experiences of resurrection might seem ordinary for some people, but regardless of what would others say, I am resurrected.  God has ways i could not imagine. He can make simple things into extraordinary miracles. I am glad i am now partaking not just in His sorrows but more in His resurrection. Slowly my old self dies, to bring about a new me, a resurrected me.

God is good!

Always,

Mhatteo

Two faces

     

I have two experiences of God being with me in my sufferings for the past months of my life. One part of me felt so abandoned, lonely, and troubled. I did not actually feel His presence in me. Because shame and guilt were so huge that time that hinders me from the truth and its a kind of anesthesia to my entire body. Making me numb of His presence and making me feel so alone. 

     The other part knew of God's presence over me. I totally knew that He cares so much  through the people that surrounds me. Those people who believes in me, who gives hope and creates small miracles inside my heart. It was in that moments of little miracles that i discovered the responsibility i am carrying for my own life. Acceptance came in as miracles filled with hope and trust, that God was not going to change the event of my life but He will actually use the event to help me grow through them.

     I realized that oftentimes i keep on focusing on my outside battle when the fact is, the battle is inside. I have two faces beneath inside me. And I need to focus on myself because what someone else has or doesn't have, is not going to affect me  because it is my situation inside that i want to improve better.

   I realized the moment you expose the truth in the light, slowly God will make things right... and He doesn't even mind them whether it is right or wrong.

Mhatteo

Plants vs. Zombies

I have something to confess, about two years ago, I was addicted with the game Plants vs. Zombies. And funny it is, I sometime woke up and grabbed my laptop even if I am too tired and sleepless just to play such horrific game, I even dreamt of it playing. Brains… brains…I want brains…

Now as I recalled about it, I can’t helped but really amazed how I was able to surpass that kind of addiction. It was truly such a silly game and yet, I love playing it. Nevertheless, the game taught me some lessons too, putting into the light of my spirituality, a realization that I too, is like a zombie.

You see, I walked like a walking dead. Physically, I am alive but spiritually, I am breathlessly struggling for a good life, for approval and love. And because I am afraid that I will run out of love and approval, I resorted with begging for others and trying to please them and win them even if it’s not right at all. There were times that I felt so rotten inside. Because I made wrong decisions; I am not living deliberately and wisely. And I succumbed to temptation and abused myself and others. All those things really made me a zombie. Lifeless. Purposeless.

My life doesn’t end that way because plants were there to rescue me. I believed they were my friends, good or bad, helping me in my journey. I thought they were there to put me down because they tend to beat me and even hurt me. I learned that the Lord allowed me to experience them, to be beaten by their weapons, being hurt or even to die from my zombiesness in order to shake me and to reborn me and renew me into the kind of person God wanted me to be.

I appreciate life now in this very moment, I have nothing to boast of now, nothing to hold on but God, But even though in my journey, I felt alone and sometime loneliness tends to bring me into desperation. I learned to cling on to One whose love truly endures, whose promises never fails and whose compassion exceeded beyond human understanding. I learned to listen and to love with what am uniquely me of whom and what I am.

It is a lonely road for me walking along a crooked road haunted by my past, but, my loneliness does helped me to lean on to One who never let me go. I know God will send me someone who will journey with me in the toughest and in the calmest moments of this road less travel. A road where I get to meet some plants who are not just include some of  my true friends but also some insignificant individuals who will challenge me reminding me of my past and beat me so I will grow and learn to embrace life’s purpose.

"In His triumph, He brings me. I can hold my head high. God is good."

Mhatteo

Three Hypocrites

...there are three kinds of hypocrites nowadays, one those that doesn't know that they are and so they love judging others and treat themselves righteous. The other one knows that he is one but he doesn't care knowing about it. The third one is phenomenal, he knows and acknowledges his hypocrisy and he tries to live the way of Christ in light and truth...

    I have to confess that in one time of my life, i was in that first kind of hypocrisy. I love judging others, gossiping about their sins and looking at them with disgust. Not knowing that i, too, is disgusting. My friend, it wasn't right for me to do those things.

    After realizing it, i transcends to the second kind of hypocrisy, i know that  i am hypocrite, yet, i did not care about. I don't judge people of who they are, as a matter of fact, i just really don't care of them, i neglected the very truth that i am. Hypocrite. I disguised my hypocrisy through service and Perhaps, i have lived for almost ten years of being that way. Disguising my hypocrisy by being righteous doing nothing of all my negative tendencies.

    I believe, in those moments, there is something in me that transcends. A call that created disturbances in the depth of my heart. The Lord shaken me through an event I prayed for. It was actually an answered prayer. It scratches and scratches until hurts came in, realizing that i have to wake up from that disillusionment. I believe I am now on the third level, and true enough i do acknowledged my hypocrisy now. It is something that i don't boast off but something i need to deal with and tame. It is by the grace of God that I am still here keeping on and trying to discover better things within me. Yes, I am a man, human and a sinner just as any other man. I believe even if i have tendencies to commit sin, it is not my first call at all to avoid them. Because My first duty as a christian is to love. To love God and others as i love myself.
 
I am in a community of hypocrites who struggles to live a life to be meaningful.  And in that way, I experienced Christ. Be touched by His love, and be healed by His compassion.

For He always make things new in me.



Mhatteo

Black Bug a.k.a. Piangao ( Pi-ya-ngaw)

http://youtu.be/AJfRQ57quSs

Did you know that Scotinophara coarctata is the scientific name of black bug? Hehehe… These little creatures are affected by the lunar cycle, and during full moon nights; a large numbers of adults swam to light sources causing disturbances to an innocent man like me. Gulp…hehehe

 Recently, I had a close encounter with them and actually in a second time around. I attended a prayer meeting in Digos, and after that I had a dinner with the Mission Team and a fellowship at some famous restaurant just around the venue. This seemingly tiny creature was not quite visible at one time. We really had fun talking, chatting and laughing and suddenly, the unnoticeable little creature becomes so visible that I was terrified by its atomic radio active smell. Wooh…perhaps millions of piangao as they called it, burst into chaos and rage. I was really cautious about what I am eating  co’z we don’t know what if a suicidal piangao would dive into and be part of the meal. Wah… I wonder what would it taste be? Hehehe…

Honestly, Black Bug smells awful!!! Funny it is, I have a bit of realization after all, I realized that I am no less like a black bug in some way, I sometimes wanted to break free and just fly around during full moon exploring the world without limitations. I ate, drunk, making myself as if busy and do things beyond morality. And I attracted other black bugs to join with me and unknowingly, we become trapped in false light sources. Pride, arrogance, lust, greed, jealousy and a lot more drew us closer to the false lights.

I then, smell appalling, We smell appalling. Albeit I am like that, I am being accepted by a Supreme Being. He loves my stink. He encourages me to dwell into the true light and He catches me and put me into His hand.

I believe, knowing all that facts. I am a saved Piangao after all…

Mhatteo

Mc Flurry

I went out after a meeting, much drained and quite hungry. The first thing that was in my mind was to buy Mc Flurry, a delicious and creamy ice cream mixed with chocolate Cream-O from Mc Donald’s. My mind was really shouting, MC FLURRY! MC FLURRY! MC FLURRY!( I’m just exaggerating, not quite true, sort of). He he he…

Anyway, I bet all of us do really like Mc Flurry because it’s like ice cream. But for me, there is something in Mc Flurry that made me said that night “Wow, What a good thing”

It happened after I went out in our office and bought Mc Flurry in Ilustre and tasted quite of its delectable and energizing flavor. Then, I decided to walk from Mc Donald-Ilustre to our home simply to save another seven pesos.

Passing different streets of downtown area and gazing the Rizal Prominade and even the stars in the sky was totally invigorating. I felt what a wonderful world it is having with me my favorite Mc flurry. Indeed, it was a moment of rewarding one’s desire for gratitude from unevenness stomach almost falling into the grip of starvation.

Then suddenly, a street boy disrupted my momentous experience. He wanted to have my Mc Flurry. (What a harassment? What a challenge? Hello? What are you doing?) Well, I did not say that to him. In fact, I made no utterance. I just gave it to him the quite full and virgin Mc Flurry, with no words.

I went home quite unsatisfied about eating Mc Flurry. But I realized that there’s a reason why it happened. I believe, the event taught me to be much like Mc Flurry at all. Mc flurry, I believe, is a good food. And I am good. But Mc flurry cannot be known to be a good and likeable food if it is not being tasted or shared to anyone. I mean, we are all good people but we are to take the test to do good and not just being good.

As I pondered with what had happened, I did the right thing. My tummy was really quite empty as I arrived home. But my heart was filled with gratitude. That does really matter.

Mhatteo

Google ping

Broken Window

I usually walk as i go home in my parents place and I passes by a white house with broken window. Its creepy and i remembered when i was a child we always believe that  the house is haunted and monsters are staying in that place. We don't go and play nearer the white house afraid that a ghost would come out and would terrify us. Until now, the house look so gloom and unmaintained. Broken and unloved. Abandoned. No one wants to stay there and As time goes by more broken windows were visible and more people were afraid to stay or to be near in that place.

As i contemplate in this experience, i realized no matter how beautiful and wonderful you are, we always have broken window inside . Little broken windows like lies, pride, addictions, lust, and impure thoughts were widespread within my heart especially at this moment of time. And though they were small, they grew bigger and bigger as am not addressing them. They terrified me most of the time and even others were terrified about my own monsters.

I believe, in one way or another, You too have broken windows. Whether you like  it or not, you need to acknowledge their brokenness. For their brokenness are your brokenness too. Broken windows that are not given attentions will reap horror and fears within. For the past years of my life, i am grateful that i was able to face some of my broken windows. Some people were terrified knowing about it but it doesn't matter any longer. Because i am fixing them anyway ...with Jesus as my Repairman.

And God whispered a word for me today , and he said... "Your future is beautiful." " I can fix your broken windows.


Mhatteo Google ping

Constant Change

When i was quite a little boy, i used to climb fences and trees and my parents scolded me and even spanked me for that. I was that boy who dreamt to risk life for adventure. To risk life for conquering the unknown and My parents were then my contra-bida shutting off all my wide imaginations.

I know the reasons why there doing that for me now, that in times i was too high in following that little bird flying in the trees or that grasshopper hopping from one fence to the other, i put myself at risk. And they loved me enough to scold, to spank or to remind me through tough love that " hey you're going too far." wake up!  Be careful!

Now, i missed those times , as i looked back on some of my little sentiments as a boy, i just smiled knowing that it was a silly disposition. My parents now are old, and day by day, i believe time has really passed by to them. I was busy growing up and sometime i forgot that they're growing old too. Yet, the way they treat me. The way they love me, is surprisingly and utterly wonderful. That is why i take the time to hug them as much as i can everyday during breakfast and its a healing  feeling their hugs and seeing their smiles too.

I believe though somethings does changed now in different areas of my life but...somethings doesn't really change at all, especially if its deeply rooted inside ones heart.  Love.

God's love is ever constant and does endures forever.

Mhatteo Google ping

Making problems small

Honestly, i am now at panicked with my future. I fear a lot.  I get into depression and though i acknowledged it but it seems hard to renounce. I noticed i focused on the negative things, and now I am almost blown up. I just can't hold my temper in control. My work is affected and i am lonely.

Just as those moments sunk in to almost highest degree of tribulation, words came into my mind as if God was telling me..." make your problems small. Those irritations, those conflicts, those criticisms, and those obstacles... Make them small."

Surprise about those words, tears run down and clear my mind. Indeed there so many things i am thankful for. So many. Countless. Because Life is beautiful.


Mhatteo

Best Time

            Quite sometimes now, I’ve been thinking about when will be the time that I would truly know what I really wanted in life. With so many preoccupations in mind, I bet my wits would blast or explode terribly into nothingness and my restlessness would dilute me and leave me terrible in dangerous situation. Nevertheless, I know time will give space for answers. I know time will demand itself for action. I know time will help me reach what I am journeying of as I decipher puzzles that were wrapped in my life’s mystery.

            “One step at a time”, truly, is a good and comforting statement, for a man who wanted in his hunt, an instant glory and achievement, for a man who desires to chase time and career, for a man who search for a lifetime partner to be with for the rest of his life and for a man whose courage and love are bind with responsibilities so much for himself but not for others. One step at a time… I should better contemplate this in my mind.

            I realized that what is truly noble in this world is the attitude of waiting. Patience. I have been chasing time now, afraid that it would leave me, yet I realized that what I am chasing of is my own selfish desires and plans for immediate but temporary fulfillment. I am chasing my career, my knowledge, and my potentials and even love because I am afraid of losing it. 

And then, my heart says,"wait.... Take a look… Stop…and close your eyes. Let go Mhatti...your best time is yet to come. Be patient…"

            Realizing it… It was God talking to me…Whispering this simple word…

          "  Patience…

              Patience…

              Patience…"

           

Mhatteo

The Cross

I want to know how God feels about me today. Every time i snap at anything that moves, every time my thoughts are gutter-level, and when my tongue is sharp enough to slice a rock and every time i tell lies.  How does God feels when i am a jerk? Not about when i am positive and ready to tackle worlds hunger, worlds peace, and worlds climate change. Hmmm. Shamcey Supsup can tackle it more than i could imagine. But how does He feel about me then?

I don't even know about it.  I don't know how long Gods love endures. But i just want to know it deeply.
As i wonder about it, i am indeed purely insane. Why on earth i questioned this things? Can anything make God stop loving me? Nothing.

I find the answer on the splintered cross, where He was nail-stabbed and bleeding. There His dying for my death. There He resurrected for my living. There i saw true love. His great love. That's what i really wanted to know. I am convince His love endures forever. And nothing can change His love for me. Absolutely nothing.

Whenever i look at the cross, i remembered the difficulties i had and sometimes i ask myself how i was and am able to stand and go through them. The Cross gave me an answer. My sufferings, challenges,and even death or sickness are not my destiny. Its in fact my keys to life, love and salvation.

Mhatteo

Detachment

How far can i go with God?

 This is the question i set in my mind today. I do confess that i have many attachments, and in fact, i am afraid of losing them.   I do not deny that My heart desire so much of them. I am craving and holding them tightly. Letting go would be very hard to do.  And in many cases. I failed to recognize the significance of it. Even my habitual sins are truly hard to let go. My flesh longs for it madly. Though my heart says "do what is good , and yet i end up doing wrong". Very frustrating and Humiliating. Putting myself in disgrace to God and my friends.

 Yet amidst this struggles, i am captivated by this simple truth: " that in my darkest hour, God is in His darkest too. That In my deepest sorrow, He do share, and in my brokenness, He was there..." Now, i know that better things do happen when we started letting go. God doesn't allow it to come quickly. He like it slowly, gently and really hurting. I like the last part...hurting. Why? Because it truly hurts when you know the truth. And that's the hardest thing to let go.

 Even now as i am writing this, there are many things that are still at my grasp. One by one, i am letting go of them. Some Friends, possessions, habitual sins, pride, worries, insecurities and positions, and many more. I am starting to let go them daily.  Maybe that's what God wants me to do everyday, to let go them one by one, everyday. Consistently. No postpone. No cancellation. Willfully done. "For to set the mind on the Spirit will lead me to more life and peace."

Mhatteo

Anti Virus

Want to share with you my journal some years ago. May you be inspired as you read this. God bless

Warning!!!

You will be infected with virus if you persist not reading my blogs.

Better read or else…

            Lately, I have encountered problems with regards to my computer. The task bar always warned that a lot of potential spy wares were spying my computer system. Truly, I was quite bothered about it and that made me busy finding ways how to remove all those spy wares. I don’t know why my recent Anti-Virus or Firewall had not detected those things. Perhaps, viruses or spy wares are unpredictable and stronger nowadays or may be I am reckless and very confident that my computer is updated and hi-tech but I am wrong; my juvenile credence led me to odds of nuisances provoked by fear of losing information that were stored in my computer. I got terrified in that belief and it prompted me to install another anti-virus. Thanks to the free trial of AVG in the internet that helped removed all those spy wares and viruses if there’s any. Wooh… AVG soothed my agony.

            Realizing those experiences, I believe, we are all susceptible to many spiritual viruses or spy wares. I believe these are things or people that lead us away from the truth of life, from what is right and from what we supposed to do. I too, was dragged by those bogus people with selfish desires. Bogus people are fun of spying, very judgmental, gossiping against other people’s lives and have no sense of truth and understanding. Honestly, for once and sometimes, I become like them. It’s totally ruining and lifeless.

            Thank God I have my backed up, some good friends of my community really helped me a lot in detecting my potential spiritual viruses. It made me realized just like my computer, I have to undergo free trial from AVG, to scan the very detail of my heart and to remove all my spiritual viruses and spy wares that long been laden there. In short, I should reformat my desires and plans in life.

            Still up to now, my new AVG have been scanning my heart looking for a better spot where it will be installed. I know with AVG (Anti-Virus from God)…Surely…

I can start anew.

Mhatteo

Yonex ( You- Next)

I remembered a personal experience about my Yonex. And i want to share it with you that in one way or another, it will inspire you.

Last June 3,2007 I bought a badminton racket that cost me quite an amount that I could boast off. Its brand is Yonex. It’s really weightless and good-looking compared to my ever dedicated obsolescent and unbranded badminton racket I bought for P200. (In fairness, I won 1st prize using it one time during a tournament being my partner, the Controller of a prestigious company, O diba astig!!!) For the past two years, I have been using my old racket in our office badminton tournament. And now, I’m leaving it. Yeah, what an improvement! Yes I’ve got my new and lighter racket that would help me to the road of fame.Last June 21,2007 I broke it. It was not even smashed on the floor. I remembered I just waved my hand and boom…toink…my racket fate had gone only this far. I was playing with my boss that time and honestly, I am quite embarrassed about it. It was something that should not be happening to a professional player like me. Hehehe. It’s not worth it…

As I pondered on the momentous event during my prayer time, I realized that God was not pleased with my arrogance and even with my plans(the road of fame). I believed he wanted me to go to the basic where life meets both ends. He wanted me to do something after that “ what’s next matti?,you next, I have done a lot for you… what’s next? Are you going to be boastful or humble? What does really matter now for you?”

Yeah, I believe I have quite sometime lost my track. What had happened taught me to stop and think. What does really matter now for me?

Many times I am being dismantled,broken, and even smashed by events brought about by my pursuit. Was it worth it? It was worth it. Wrong moves, wrong choices and wrong perception caused alot of tension. Perhaps, that’s the reason why my yonex was broken. Why oftentimes I am shattered…But the good news is, there is plenty of time to change. God is waiting for us to change for good. I bet my yonex will be refunded or be replaced in due time. Hmmm… that’s pretty good…cool…I can’t wait for that time. But for now, I am back to the basic.